Lesson 9

Lesson 9: Parenting tips for a more harmonious home; and Building Resilience

Introduction

Throughout this Course you’ve learned lots of strategies to help you navigate your child’s School Refusal. Some of the below tips have been mentioned throughout the Course, but many have not. When reading through these, consider how they might work for you – some you’ve seen in this Course before. Dismiss those that you do not consider helpful or achievable, and work on consistently enforcing the other. At the very least, they will help you create a more harmonious home for your family. School Refusal can create chaos and an emotionally charged home which is not healthy for anyone, so I implore you to give these ago.

Changing the home rules for school refusers:

This strategy is probably one of the most powerful you can enforce because basically most of these steps are Negative Punishment – removing things to punish the behavior of School Refusal. When attendance resumes, or they complete their homework, you can use some Positive Reinforcement (praise, high five or other reward) to try to increase that behavior.

Set strict home rules if the child refuses to goes to school
Do not allow anything that would not be allowed at school (eg. Phones, music etc)
Set a wake up alarm as if the child was going to school
Remove all the child’s devices from the time they would leave for school until the time they would usually get home)
Ensure the child does all the work the school gives them, including homework
Disallow rewards such as gaming, watching television, seeing friends, snacking (except at recess time)
Enforce learning plans
Remove their mobile phones. Put parental guards on computers so they are not talking to friends or gaming or doing anything other than study
Turn off the modem and remove devices at the same time every night to ensure they get enough sleep
Ensure you have a daily schedule so clear expectations are set. If they run out of school work, ensure they are given chores to fill in their day

Practical Strategies

For practice, write down what theory these strategies might relate to if known (eg. Operant conditioning: negative reinforcement)

Link privileges to good behaviour

Privileges should be taken away if your child is disrespectful to you or others, refuses to comply with house rules or calls or anyone else names. Privileges are electronics, internet, money, driving, sleepovers, time with friends that should only be allowed to access when they are behaving appropriately.

Avoid repetition

Don’t be a nag – it doesn’t work and encourages defiance while undermining your authority. Instead, give directions, and make sure your child understands what is required. Offer only one warning and then follow through with a consequence that is commensurate with the task. There may be tantrums to start but compliance will come quickly if you use this technique, and you’ll have a more peaceful household.

Always enforce consequences

Never threaten a consequence that you will not enforce, you’ll lose your authority when your child calls your bluff. If the child doesn’t comply, provide the consequence in a calm manner. You might say, “You didn’t clean your room like I asked you to, so you won’t be allowed to go to the movies,” or, “Since you came home late tonight you won’t have access to the car this weekend.”

Teach that actions have consequences

Do not rescue your child from the consequences of their behavior as this only encourages further defiance and a lack of respect. So, if they backtalk a teacher, don’t make excuses for them or try to have the punishment lessened. Instead, talk to your child about how they should make choices that work in their favor rather than choices that ultimately make them unhappy.

Be the grey rock

Parenting is hard and can be overly emotional. When your child is defiant, they may be angry, and this may make you angry. Emotional gut reactions generally don’t help calm conflict, so it’s best to recognize what’s occurring and remove the instinct to be angry, but rather handle the situation in a calm voice. Often children provoke fights to deflect from the situation at hand. Repeat in your head ‘be the grey rock’, to calm yourself and remove all emotion, and maintain a more logical approach before you proceed.

Have a plan

If you think your child will become angry create a strategy beforehand. Plan what you’ll say to your child ahead of time before they act out again, and deliver your message in a simple, clear, respectful, and calm manner. (see the conflict resolution strategies in in Lesson 5)

Praise good behavior, catch them doing good things

Offer your teen a compliment or thank you when you see them making a good choice or doing something you asked. Something like, “Thanks so much for cleaning your room without even being asked” (make sure your compliments aren’t sarcastic or over the top). This will encourage your teen to continue to do good things. If you’re always on their back about what they do wrong, they might feel bad and think they can’t do anything right, so why bother. Acknowledge the small steps they take in positive directions.

Teach problem solving

When things are calm, you might say, “This behavior won’t solve your problem, it’ll only get you into more trouble. So how can you solve this problem differently next time?” Listen to what your child says and offer ideas if they can’t come up with anything.

Focus on one behavior at a time

If your child is defiant in several different ways, it will be difficult and exhausting to try to address all the problems at one. So, if your child is disrespecting or swearing at everyone in the family, not doing their homework and breaking their curfew, decide which of these behaviours you cannot live with or seems most detrimental to the child’s or other’s safety. Choose just one behavior that is bothering you the most and plan the steps you will take to improve that behavior. When you’ve enforced consequences for the first behavior and it’s under control, move onto the next most bothersome behavior. Be consistently consistent.

Pick your battles

Decide which battles are worth fighting and which are best to let go. Avoid power struggles. Many times, teens will use petty arguments to delay having to comply with rules. Instead, concentrate only on battles that truly need your attention to protect your teen’s well-being. By avoiding minor disagreements, you create a more peaceful environment for your family, which can give your teen more confidence to approach you on more significant issues.

Stay respectful – you’re the adult in the room

Teens often come across as rude and disrespectful to their parents, teachers, or other authority figures, which can be frustrating. Sadly, many adults respond by being rude and disrespectful back, but this is not constructive. As the adult, you must model the behavior you want to see. Regardless of what you “preach,” if your child sees you respond disrespectfully to them, they will assume that disrespectful behaviour is appropriate.

Get support

When our children act inappropriately, it becomes easy to think we’re bad parents. Don’t buy into these negative thoughts or isolate yourself. Instead, find someone to talk to, whether it’s a therapist, support group, friend, or a trusted family member. You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel when someone simply listens to you.

Other parenting tips and tricks to help moderate your child’s behaviour:

Talk with your child about school and why they don’t want to go. Ask, ‘If you could change one thing about school, what would it be?’
For younger children, have them score each part of their school day out of ten to try to find where the issue is. Break the day up into sections: the bus ride, the classroom, recess, specialist classes, peers, etc. Very young children can point to sad faces or smiley faces to give them a voice.
Is there anything happening at home that could trigger this behaviour? Domestic violence, a sick relative or pet? A death in the family? Have you recently moved home or school? Is this drug or alcohol misuse or abuse?
Have conversations not interrogations (important especially for older children).
Teach your child to problem solve issues that are age appropriate.
Use positive reinforcements if you’d like a behaviour to improve, say “I see you’ve been working on your science project, and I know it’s been tough and I’m proud of you for persisting. Let’s get some ice-cream to celebrate your good work.”
Nobody gets top grades all the time, and it’s important that your child understands you don’t expect perfection. Encourage that they try, rather than get high grades.
Break tasks like a big science project up into chunks and using breaks as rewards for getting through each chunk.
If homework is a trigger, consider hiring an older student or university student to help monitor the homework and ease any stress on the family. Children usually behave better for other people.
Avoid judgment and irritability. Let your child know you don’t expect perfection, you just want them to reach their full potential.
Be consistently consistent in all your parenting (except the dodgy stuff which we’ve all been guilty of).

Resilience: Bouncing Back from Life’s Challenges

Resilience is the ability to adapt and bounce back from adversity, trauma, and stressful situations. It encompasses the mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility that allows individuals to navigate challenges, learn from experiences, and emerge stronger. School refusers are often very low on resilience.

Here’s why resilience is important:

1. Helps Manage Stress and Adversity: Life inevitably throws curve balls. Resilience equips individuals with the tools to cope with stress, manage difficult emotions, and navigate challenging circumstances effectively. This ability reduces the risk of mental health problems like depression and anxiety, promoting overall well-being.

2. Enhances Problem-Solving Skills: When faced with obstacles, resilience allows individuals to think creatively, explore solutions, and overcome challenges with optimism and determination. This problem-solving mindset fosters a sense of control and empowers individuals to navigate life’s complexities.

3. Promotes Growth and Development: Resilience encourages learning from experiences, both positive and negative. By reflecting on challenges and setbacks, individuals can gain valuable insights, develop coping mechanisms, and build confidence in their ability to overcome future obstacles. This contributes to personal growth and development, leading to a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

4. Fosters Positive Relationships: Resilience allows individuals to build and maintain healthy relationships. When faced with conflicts or disagreements, resilient individuals can communicate effectively, practice empathy and understanding, and resolve issues constructively. This promotes stronger, more supportive relationships with family, friends, and colleagues.

5. Increases Adaptability: Resilience allows individuals to adjust to changing circumstances, environments, and expectations. This adaptability is crucial in today’s rapidly changing world, where individuals need to be flexible and resourceful to succeed.

6. Improves Mental and Physical Health: Research suggests that resilience contributes to better mental and physical health. Individuals with strong resilience tend to experience lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. Additionally, they are more likely to engage in healthy behaviors and practices, leading to a stronger physical well-being.

Resilience and school attendance

Overall, resilience is a vital life skill that empowers individuals to overcome challenges, thrive in adversity, and live a fulfilling life. By cultivating resilience in ourselves and others, we can build a more resilient and adaptable society that can face life’s challenges with greater strength and optimism.

Resilience can significantly impact a child’s ability to go to school in various ways:

Positive impacts:

Improved attendance: Resilient children are better equipped to cope with setbacks and challenges that might otherwise prevent them from attending school, like peer pressure, bullying, or academic difficulties.
Enhanced learning: Resilience helps children stay focused and motivated in the classroom, even when faced with distractions or challenging tasks. This promotes better absorption of information and development of learning skills.
Reduced stress and anxiety: Resilient children are less susceptible to the negative effects of stress and anxiety, which often interfere with concentration and learning. This allows them to maintain a positive attitude and engagement in school activities.
Better social interactions: Resilience fosters healthy social skills, enabling children to build positive relationships with peers and teachers, creating a supportive learning environment.
Increased self-esteem: Overcoming challenges builds children’s confidence and self-belief. Resilient children are more likely to believe in their abilities and persevere in the face of difficulties, leading to better academic performance and overall school experience.

Negative impacts of low resilience:

Increased absenteeism: Children struggling with low resilience may experience anxiety, fear, or difficulty coping with school-related challenges, leading to frequent absences from school.
Poor academic performance: Difficulty managing stress and overcoming challenges can impact children’s ability to focus and participate actively in the classroom, leading to academic struggles and lower grades.
Increased vulnerability to bullying: Children with low resilience may be more susceptible to bullying and peer pressure, further hindering their ability to function effectively in a school environment.
Social isolation: Difficulty forming and maintaining positive social relationships can lead to isolation and loneliness, negatively impacting a child’s overall well-being and school experience.
Negative self-perception: Frequent setbacks and challenges can lead to a negative self-image and low self-esteem, further diminishing a child’s motivation and engagement in school activities.

Strategies to foster resilience in children for school:

Positive reinforcement: Acknowledge and praise children’s efforts, accomplishments, and positive behaviors at school.
Open communication: Encourage children to share their experiences and feelings about school, offering them a safe space to express concerns and receive support.
Problem-solving skills development: Teach children healthy coping mechanisms and problem-solving strategies to address challenges effectively.
Development of social skills: Encourage participation in activities and clubs that promote social interaction and build positive relationships with peers.
Stress management techniques: Teach children relaxation and mindfulness techniques to manage stress and anxiety, promoting emotional well-being and focus at school.
Building healthy habits: Encourage regular exercise, healthy eating, and adequate sleep, which contribute to overall well-being and resilience.
Seeking professional support: If a child struggles significantly with resilience, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor specializing in child development and resilience building.

By fostering resilience in children, we can empower them to navigate the challenges of school life, develop a positive learning experience, and thrive both academically and socially.

What is your resilience score?

The current research on the resilience levels in Western Countries (out of 10) are:

Australia: 7.78
USA: 7.63
UK: 7.47
New Zealand: 7.92

^{Jones, R., & Comfort, P. (2021). Measuring resilience through public opinion: the World Risk Poll. International Journal of Disaster Risk Reduction, 59, 102298.}

To be considered resilient, we need a score of 8.5/10. Nine out of ten Australians are below the 85% resilience score, leaving them vulnerable to anxiety, stress, and mental health issues. Do you know your resilience level? Do this quick test. If your children are old enough, have them do the test too. It’s only two questions but the score it calculates is 75% accurate. Read the recommendations below the score and consider the things you could do to boost your or your child’s resilience. Take the full resilience test when you have some time. Doing these tests gives us a really good idea of how we’re traveling psychologically and emotionally.

Write down your resilience score from the quick test.

It’s important to check in ourselves on a regular basis. Read through @Driven’s Domains of Resilience below and try to gauge which domains you’re strong in, and which ones you might need to work on. Work on getting a score of 8.5 / 10 or higher.

Building your resilience

Building resilience is crucial for navigating life’s inevitable challenges and bouncing back from setbacks. Here are 5 key strategies to help adults build their resilience:

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness:

Understand your triggers: What situations or emotions tend to send you into a downward spiral? Identifying your triggers is the first step to managing them.
Recognize your strengths and weaknesses: Knowing your strengths can help you leverage them in challenging situations, while acknowledging your weaknesses allows you to seek support or develop coping mechanisms.
Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness helps you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This can be especially helpful for managing stress and anxiety, which can erode resilience.

2. Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms:

Exercise regularly: Physical activity releases endorphins, which have mood-boosting and stress-reducing effects.
Maintain a healthy diet: Eating nutritious foods nourishes your body and mind, providing the energy and resources needed to cope with stress.
Practice relaxation techniques: Techniques like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and yoga can help calm your mind and body in stressful situations.
Connect with loved ones: Social support is essential for resilience. Spending time with loved ones who care about you can provide emotional validation and a sense of belonging.

3. Embrace a Growth Mindset:

Challenge negative self-talk: Replace limiting beliefs with positive affirmations and self-compassion.
View setbacks as learning opportunities: Instead of seeing challenges as failures, view them as opportunities to learn and grow.
Develop a sense of purpose: Having a clear purpose in life can provide direction and motivation, even in the face of adversity.
Practice gratitude: Focusing on the things you are grateful for can shift your perspective and boost your mood.

4. Build a Strong Support System:

Connect with friends and family: Having a strong social network can provide emotional support and practical help when needed.
Seek professional help: Don’t hesitate to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor if you are struggling to cope with challenges on your own.
Join a support group: Connecting with others who have faced similar challenges can provide valuable insights and encouragement.

5. Take Care of Yourself:

Prioritize sleep: Getting enough sleep is essential for both physical and mental health.
Manage stress: Find healthy ways to manage stress, such as exercise, relaxation techniques, or spending time in nature.
Practice self-care: Make time for activities that you enjoy and that make you feel good, such as reading, listening to music, or spending time in nature.

Remember, building resilience is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself, celebrate your progress, and don’t hesitate to seek support when needed. By incorporating these strategies into your life, you can cultivate the inner strength and flexibility you need to navigate life’s challenges and thrive.

I hope these tips help you on your journey to building resilience!

5 Strategies to Build Resilience in Children:

1. Cultivate Positive Relationships:

Strong parent-child bond: Secure attachment and consistent love provide a foundation for emotional resilience.
Supportive network: Encourage friendships, positive mentors, and connections with extended family.
Empathy and emotional intelligence: Teach children to identify and understand their own emotions and those of others, fostering compassion and communication.

2. Foster Autonomy and Competence:

Age-appropriate responsibility: Provide opportunities for children to solve problems, make choices, and take on small tasks, building confidence and self-reliance.
Encourage exploration and play: Unstructured play allows children to experiment, learn from mistakes, and develop creative problem-solving skills.
Celebrate effort and progress: Focus on the journey, not just the outcome, praising effort and perseverance over mere success, fostering a growth mindset.

3. Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms:

Mindfulness and relaxation techniques: Teach children simple breathing exercises, visualization, or journaling to manage stress and anxieties.
Physical activity: Encourage regular exercise and movement to release endorphins and improve emotional regulation.
Creative expression: Provide outlets like art, music, or writing for children to express their emotions and build self-awareness.

4. Foster Resilience through Storytelling:

Share stories of overcoming challenges: Read books or watch movies where characters face and overcome difficulties, demonstrating the power of resilience and perseverance.
Encourage children to share their own stories: Create a safe space for children to share their challenges and emotions, validating their experiences and offering support.
Role-playing and problem-solving: Play scenarios where children practice positive coping mechanisms and navigate difficult situations in a safe and supported environment.

5. Model Resilient Behaviors:

Be honest about your own challenges: Share your own experiences of overcoming obstacles, demonstrating that it’s normal to face difficulties and that resilience is a learned skill.
Show your children how you handle stress: Practice healthy coping mechanisms in front of them, like taking deep breaths or going for a walk when feeling overwhelmed.
Focus on solutions, not problems: Help children shift their focus from the problem itself to finding solutions and taking positive action.

Remember, building resilience is a gradual process that requires consistent support and encouragement. By incorporating these strategies into your daily life, you can help your children develop the emotional strength and flexibility they need to navigate life’s challenges and thrive.

The six domains of resilience

Hello Driven (2023) argues there are six domains of resilience, though areas where we can improve our resilience usually sit in blind spots which means we might feel resilient even though there are areas we might need to work on. Let’s have a look at them:

Domain
Vision	Vision is about your sense of purpose, goals, and personal vision for yourself. All other domains are guided by what it is you want to achieve. Whether your goals relate to family, work, or a something else, what’s important is being specific and clear because if we have clarity in this domain, we can be decisive when making tough decisions when facing challenges. Vision is also about clarity because when things get tough, you know what’s important and what isn’t, and this helps you stay focused. When there’s no clarity, some of your goals may conflict resulting in frustration. Congruence is also important as all your actions work together to achieve short- and long-term goals. If your actions are aligned, everything you do slowly moves you towards your ultimate goals.
Composure	The fight or flight response can kick in when we’re facing conflict and being able to overcome the instinctive emotional response, means we remain calm because becoming emotional prevents you from thinking critically. When we’re angry or overemotional, we’re vulnerable. And remember, composure isn’t about the big things, it’s also the little things like being stuck in traffic – save your energy for what’s important. Watch out for interpretation bias – research shows humans have a natural inclination to negatively interpret ambiguous situations which makes us six times more likely to show symptoms of depression than those have positive interpretation bias. Being proactive also helps with this domain; strategizing about what can go wrong will make your project easier to manage and there will be no surprises.
Reasoning	Again, being proactive helps this domain and creativity and innovative problem solving become useful tools when facing challenges. Anticipating and planning to prevent this going wrong is a recommended strategy here, like going to the dentist regularly to avoid a root canal later. Having the right information, tools, techniques, and people available to you will help with your resourcefulness and enable you to solve problems more effectively and easily. Having a high reasoning ability means you deal well with changing environments because they bring hidden opportunities.
Tenacity	Einstein said, “It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.” Being persistent and learning from our mistakes are important tools to help us learn from our mistakes so we do not judge ourselves because of them, but look forward. Having realistic optimism means you are hopeful about your ability to succeed but you realize the road may be tough and challenging. This reasoning combined with persistence leads to success.
Collaboration	We thrive when we’re around others, that’s why our brain has dedicated neural structures to recognize faces and facial expressions and we empathize allowing us to work together and build communities. It’s crucial for us to build support networks so we can build a safety net and be the safety net for others. Researchers found that when it comes to peace of mind, it’s not actual available support that matters, but instead, it’s the perception of available support that’s important. So even if you have 100 people ready to support you, if you don’t realize this, you won’t feel supported. Keep this in mind for others and tell them you’ll be there for them if they need you. At home it’s important to address emotions as they’re vital to maintaining healthy relationships.
Health	A healthy body provides a strong foundation for our own resilience so being aware of what we eat, our exercise and quality sleep are all important to enabling us to achieve our larger personal vision. Sugar, alcohol and takeaway foods, or foods with high concentrations of chemicals make the brain less plastic and reduces mental adaptability. Regular exercise increases mental performance and improves our ability to learn, therefore protecting us against neuro-degenerative diseases in the long term. Plus, we get the bonus of an endorphin hit, and that always makes us feel good. Lack of sleep means more mistakes, reduced attention span and a decreased ability to deal with stress and problem solve – remember it’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. Adults should have 7-9 hours’ sleep; a teen should have 8-10 hours a night.

Thanks to @Driven for this information – you can download the app to help build your resilience in just 5 minutes per day.

Measuring our resilience helps us to be aware of where we have opportunities to improve. We all start from almost zero resilience at birth then grow at our own pace, and awareness is a crucial step.

Conclusion

I hope you can use the helpful strategies listed above – they’re proven and if you’re consistent you’ll get wonderful results. But the trick is to be consistent. Not just for a week or two, but for life. The moment you drop the ball, you’ll see some old behaviors coming through again. Don’t forget the Homework for this lesson where we’ll work on devising a plan for what tips we’ll put into place in our home. We’ll also work on what domains of resilience we’ll start working on to make us strong and increase our Resilience scores. We’ll catch up for the final Lesson, where we summarize what you’ve learned, and you can grade the course and offer any suggested changes to make it better for others. Catch you then.

Before you move onto Lesson 10, please complete the Homework for Lesson 9